I hate divorce.

I really do. I'm not trying to be a Negative Nancy here or anything, but it has effected my family and my heart hurts when I hear of others going through it...or about to go through it.....or screwing up their own marriages. It's on my mind today, for variour reasons. Prepare yourself for my soapbox speech.
Over the past 3 years, I've watched so many families be destroyed by divorce and I'm tired of it. I watched two sets of aunts and uncles split up, my own parents split up, friends, and co-workers. I have recently been missing my own family and the way we used to be. I had an aunt in my life for 20 years or so and suddenly she's not there. I haven't seen her in 2 years and I miss her. I had an uncle for my entire life and suddenly he's also not there. I'm coming to understand that it's the same grieving process as when a loved one dies. It may be worse because of all the bitter, negative talk I hear from the rest of the family about those people they separated from. At least when someone dies, they get the respect of those who are still alive. These people in my family have settled their divorces and are trying to move on. I guess those of us on the outside are expected to do the same in a quiet manner. We're not supposed to talk about it or ask any questions. We are supposed to smile and continue on like nothing changed. That's how it feels anyway.
With my parent's divorce, it sucks in so many ways - hurt, bitterness, back biting, taking sides, and trying to be fair. A lot of decisions that I make I have to ask myself "how is mom going to take this if I do..." or "how is dad going to take this if I say..."
I know I'm not the only one who has experienced this crap before and I'm not the last...as much as I wish I was. I vow to keep my own marriage strong and to be married to Jay until the day we are separated by death. We have an awesome marriage and we both love it! We try to set examples for others by our actions, our interactions, and our words about one another. Ironically, I've noticed that this very happy marriage of mine sometimes causes others to be bitter, or jealous maybe. Because I'm not the woman who tears down my husband behind his back, I'm seen as "still young and in love." Like it's something that will wear off after a while. I hear comments like "just wait until you have kids" or "give it some time" or "that won't last long." WHY?!!! Why not make it last that long?! Why can't I love my husband with all my heart and serve him in the best way I know how. Why can't I pray for him each and every day and be excited to see him every night? Why is it wrong to be in love...even after 4 years. Why can't we continue to make each other laugh, to relive our own memories often, and to be best friends? We do all of those things all the time. I think most importantly, we put Jesus first and know that we can't do anything without Him as our guide. After our daughter arrives, we plan to put Jesus first, our marriage second and our daughter third. Many folks question that and feel that the children should be second. Why? Why put them second and watch your own marriage fall apart - the very marriage that was there before the kids and will be there after the kids. The kids need to see a strong marriage between their parents and need to have the security that their parents are in love and are not going to leave one another. 
I have been praying about this whole topic for several years now and I have come to realize several things. 1)Jesus hates divorce more than I do and He more than understands all the feelings associated with it. 2) We live in a sinful world where imperfect people exist together and expect to have perfect lives. 3) People try to have a marriage like is portrayed in the movies or in songs. Marriages that are unrealistic and self-centered so much of the time.
I'm so thankful for my grandparents who were married to the same people for 50+ years. I look to them for guidance and inspiration.
May God continue to lead me and my marriage and may I always choose to follow Him.
I'm done with my soapbox now and will push it aside. Thanks for listening.

And we're back (nearly a year later)...

Gee...I guess I suck at this blogging thing, huh? I started it, posted about 10 stories, and then quit for nearly a year. I have so much to say, but I also realize that I may be talking to myself these days. :)

First of all, I am currently 5 weeks away from having my first child. We found on June 28, 2010 that I was pregnant and, depsite trying to have a child, it still startled us. We were zombies for the first week or so...maybe the first month. Just a side note here - we were planning a trip to Hawaii for my 30th birthday in December and were scheduled to pay our down payment on June 30. Welp, after June 28 and being in the zombie state, we ditched that trip. It wasn't until July 15, 2010 that we had our first ultrasound and saw this small bean-shaped object floating inside my body. That is when it sunk in a little bit more and that is when Jay lit up like a light bulb. It was precious and a moment I will treasure. We found out that this child is due to arrive on March 3, 2011, which seemed like an eternity. But, time has flown by and we are now just a month away for meeting our first born. On October 7, 2010, we found out this child is going to be a little girl and that also startled us. Everyone...and I do mean EVERYONE...had been telling me that it was going to be a boy. We were convinced of this. So, when the ultrasound nurse said to us "bless her little heart, she will never have a date with a cop as her daddy" we both were like "what the heck?!" Jay was just so sure he saw a penis on the screen, but I guess that was a toe, or a finger...or maybe even a leg at that point. It's been confirmed several times over the course of the  past 8 months and she's not a bashful little girl either. She's been spread eagle in all the ultrasounds. This scares me and I really....REALLY...hope this changes before the teenage years come. Nonetheless, we are NOT disappointed in the gender and if anything, have become more excited. It makes this child growing inside of me take on more personality and we talk about her like a person rather than a thing. She has gone from being "the bean" to "baby Lindsey" to Baby Jordyn. Jordyn Kate Lindsey is her name and we are smitten (to say the least).

Along with doctor's appointments, watching my body morph into this strange shape, we have also been busy preparing for this major life change as best we can. We have the best support system on the planet that includes friends and family who have been such a blessing! Jay and I have been comforted by all the help and advice. It's soothing to know we are not in this alone. We have not felt the anxiety, fear, and joy alone; have not been the first to feel the weight of having a human being so dependent on us. Thanks to all of you!

Her nursery is finally coming together - after new carpet, new paint, new furniture, and lots of baby stuff filling this space. This room was once a guest bedroom that we basically used as a storage area. We've put that selfishness aside, crammed all of our stuff into our closet, and now have a room dedicated to Jordyn. We love it. We find ourselves standing in there, looking around, and visualizing what it will be like with a small human taking over that room. I saw Jay go in there, sometime after Christmas and after we got several items for her for the first time, and just look around. He was picking his nails and scanning the room. I can only imagine that he was having a moment where it became even more real and more exciting. Those moments make my heart melt. He's going to be the best daddy to her and I have a strong feeling I will fall even more in love with him.

Needless to say, this blog will now become mostly stories of Jordyn, our family, and the events that we go through. I have no plans to lose my identity and I will still have a life - work, friends, and hobbies. But, I also know that she will consume a large part of me.

Oh yeah, there are other things that have happened over the course of the past 9-10 months. My brother is now engaged to his long-time girlfriend and they are getting married June 4, 2011! This is thrilling to my soul and I wish them the very best! He proposed in May and has been busy with wedding plans ever since.
I turned 30 on December 15 and had a super birthday! I had a family party and a friend party - both of which were good for my soul. Oh yeah, we still plan to go to Hawaii sometime - maybe our 5th anniversary in January 2012? Anybody up for babysitting?